But, you know, without living in some crazy, entrapment-filled police state? I hadn’t either, but thankfully LA Times columnist Steve Lopez got to smoke some dank shit from some CHiPs—ha, chips—officers and then drive around for his and our amusement.

California has a proposition on the ballot for next month’s election that would legalize it. Obviously this would have several ramifications in the Golden State: increased tax revenue for those fat cats in Sacramento, as well as an increase in snack chip variety packs, to name two. So, in order for all this to go down, California has to conduct some haphazard studies. Like getting people stoned and putting them behind the wheel of a Crown Vic.

Lopez thoroughly enjoys a spliff of “Train Wreck”—which is aptly named, judging by his retelling—and turns out that his driving wasn’t all that impaired. At least in his own opinion.

It didn’t seem to me that I was as impaired as I would have been after a few beers or glasses of wine or if I was one of the morons who drive while texting and yakking on cellphones.

But when I finished, Sgt. Nelms said I was less confident than I had been before smoking. He had to admit I hadn’t bombed on the slalom and parking challenges, wobbling only a few traffic cones.

Getting through the traffic signal was another matter. Having to process a lot of information and make a quick decision, on Train Wreck, was a challenge. I swerved radically before getting into the correct lane, and if I were a cop, I’d have pulled me over.

Tilden, meanwhile, parked like a blind man. He ended up so far from the curb after parallel parking that he would have needed a search party to find it. But he had enough Blockhead in him to think he’d done just fine.

“They both show impairment across the board,” Sgt. Nelms announced after we were put through another round of field sobriety tests.

Sounds fun, right? So maybe legalized marijuana is coming to California. Maybe there’ll be more stoned drivers, but given California’s penchant for traffic jams, it’s not like people will be put in greater danger, eh? Am I right, Kevin Eubanks?

He’s a Train Wreck behind the wheel [LA Times]

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